Starting somewhere

Discovered this weekend just how blue I am feeling. Moving furniture isn't lifting my spirits. Music barely makes me smile. I want to love so many moments in the day. I find very little energy to do that. 

Some of the pitfalls:

I have no energy. I get it for a second, maybe 10 minutes, maybe an hour. Then I am drained. Even walking, moving vigorously, isn't pepping me up. This isn't just the drain of no afternoon booster for my concerta; it's the lack of energy that sneaks in within hours, sometimes minutes, of my morning dose kicking in. 

I have too few spoons. I want to accomplish something. I want to improve things around me. I want to be proud of something I've done. I want to take care of me without a huge weight of guilty-encrusted neglect falling on my family and my home. This filthy, cluttered, dishevelled-looking home. 

Pain pops up frequently, variously. Too much pain. Knees or ankles that can't be walked on. Uterine tissue burning where it shouldn't. Arms extending not in the proper plane. Constant stomach and intestinal pain. Deep shoulder muscular tension. Over-active, always surprising peircing pain that hits when I'm lightly touched on the lower back or legs or arms. Throbbing headaches that scare me into response because I can't stand another wasted day of migraine helplessness. Joints that find no peace at night. Restless legs, chilling cold, and wishing for peace when I sit or stand or lie down. Why do Colin's caring back-cracking hugs instantly cease some of the pains? How come joints sublax on my sides and back, but sleeping on my stomach leaves me either numb through a limb or two and unable to move having to lurch out of position with whatever parts of me work; or my back shrieking in pain and startling me awake only to still have to coax whatever muscles and limbs are working to change my position. The nausea that rolls in every morning if I don't drink tea soon enough. I want a break. And I'm scared of the pain meds doing more damage long-term. Why doesn't my body respond to meds normally? How come a normal dose is never - has never - been enough? Why can't I ride this out? How can I be tough for some things but a seeming wimp about all these types of pain. Even some hand and wrist sublaxes have started to hurt. I can, I will, ignore, but why the increase in pain? Just an inability to tolerate it now? Any why, any time I am run down, does my chest feel those sharp pains when I lean over. I recognize it; always thought it was swollen lymph nodes, as they came with every cough & cold & flu; leaning over to pick up a child or tuck them in and wham! it hits you. Just stay upright and you can get through. 

How can my mom be going through all this alone? How can I help? Why won't she trust, open up, take comfort from us and let us help more? Am I in more denial seeing her online again and thinking things are so much better? Surely they aren't magically better? I feel selfish to believe, to enjoy our chats this past week. I need to find more energy to put towards her; more calls, more listening, better communication. 

My kiddos. Oh, they are so wonderful. And I focus on their faults too often. Nagging to clean up, to consider each other, to clean up. That the big relaxations are meant to be earned. When all work and no play makes me an awful mom; a sour person. Who is that person? Who know. I do care, I do want to remember. 

Hunger always. Never for the right thngs. Always there, taunting me. Always there, to cause more of the same problems that probably make that hunger drive higher. Comfort is bitter, hard to swallow and uncomfortable. What foods should I have? Can I have? Should I cut milk? Change milk? Is that the poison? Why can't I absorb the iron? Why do I keep losing my taste buds? Why don't I have enough of any of the right things? I need iron and zinc and calcium and magnesium and most of them don't seem to get through. Why?! And why isn't this a concern? Is this related to my connective tissue disorder? Or to the gastroparesis that happens so frequently? Why bother bringing anything up. I'm always just around the minimum line so I should be able to push through. Just keep that mantra going; it's working real well. 😒

Back to the important things, the positives to focus on:

My children are healthy. They are possibly even happy. 

Such a relief to hear from Dr. Jaffer that Kenzie is not in crisis. She needs more support, more places to vent her anger as a release, more time and listening from us. She will be ok, and we need to step up the listening. She is bright, engaging and pushes herself way too hard. I hope she is able to see herself as worthy, just for being, not for accomplishing.

Makayla has found some talents, and her inner voice is so freaking beautiful. I hope it never leaves her and I hope I am lucky enough to channel it one day. I love her patience and her joy and her ability to see the important peace through the storm-thrashing trees.

Amelia is full of surprises, tackles all sorts of challenges well beyond her age range, and doesn't appear to know how talented she is. May she find happiness in friendships and pasttimes of her own; peace with her talents as her own, without comparison to her sisters or any other. 

My husband is absolutely amazing. He still amazes me, brings strength from so many areas, grows in knowledge, is open to learning and unlearning, and is so supportive and thoughtful. He cares about his health and is able to execute on that. He is my rock star. I am so blessed. 

Our extended family are educated and doing whatever they need to in order to stay safe during this pandemic. I am grateful that I don't have to fend off requests for in-person visits or attempt to educate them about mask and vaccine importance. They are kind, caring and thoughtful. 

My sisters. I wish I could talk with them more. I wish we had times together. I could make that happen. ... couldn't I? I dunno. Maybe I could. I could try. 

Friends. ... well, I'm not sure I have many. I appreciate Sue. I value the time we spend walking and chatting. I feel worlds away from Sarah, and like we overlap on not nearly enough. I think Jodi will always be there, but sense that is more out of a sense of duty at this point than any interest in a continued friendship. I suck at these friendship things. I want to change Sparks co-leadership into friendship with Katie and Julia and Jacqueline; and I have no clue how to do that. 

And now I sleep. Way too late, but not yet 4am, so better late than never. Thankfully the evening dose of concerta has meant these nights are fewer and farther apart. I may have reserves in me to get through.